Loving and Unloving
Love, as we know takes many forms, so the questions is if we really ever unlove that person. If it was a deep felt intense love it can shift into another form of emotion that pollutes the original feeling. It could be anger, bitterness, hurt , sadness or disappointment. These more negative feelings can soften over time leaving you with the memories of the good parts of the person (you were with him/her for some reason) so maybe the love got diluted, but remains in some form. The question to ask yourself here is if you feel something for that person. This doesn't mean you need to go back to that person, it's more about learning yourself which is our goal here, right?
Jumping to Conclusions and/or Overreacting
When you jump to conclusions or overreact with people or situations oftentimes you shoot yourself in the foot. Especially when you are dealing with another person. People are so very complex and we are looking at them through our own lens so things can get very convoluted in the process.
The best way to handle this is to not give yourself up, but rather to state your truth in a calm way (we'll keep our fingers crossed you can get there), not blaming the other one but looking for understanding. Checking it out first with your partner/friend/parent/child, etc to see where they are coming from gives you more understanding so that you can then make an educated decision on where you want to take it.
You may like their answers or you may not; they may lie, they may twist the truth or they could give you a different picture of something that you hadn't thought of. Take a deep breath and remember -- it's all about communication!
The Fourth Fear of Intimancy: Loss
Can't trust others? Perhaps this is your fear. Remember we all have one or more of these fears so it's just in what degree we have them, not if we have them. Once we discover what our fear(s) are that's when we start making progesss in our relationships and interact in a completey new way to the benefit of all!
Look at these traits and see if you identify with any of them. Be honest with yourself here 
- You anticipate you will lose what's important to you in the end.
- You feel too dependent on others.
- You don't want to be dependent in any way.
- You don't feel you can count on anyone.
- You have problems saying no.
Spotting our personal fears gives us a starting point from which we can work to lessen their influence in our lives. It's all about growth and happiness so put your energy to work here and enjoy the journey with all it's ups and downs. Trust me, it's worth it!
Third Fear of Intimacy: Rejection
Along with the abondonment fear the other big one is the fear of rejection. We all experience this in one form or another, no matter what our upbringing is. Look at these signs and see where you fit in relationships, that is...
- You dislike too much togetherness.
- You fear physical rejection.
- You feel safe if you can hold on to someone.
- You are demanding of others.
- You think others are too emotional.
- You believe you have to conform to others' view to be lovable.
We wonder why relationships can be so difficult and looking at the fears we all bring into relationships you can see why that is true. Work on yourself and many of these will fade into the background. Yippee!
Second Fear of Intimacy: Being Smothered
Once you get past the fear of abandonment issues check out if you or anyone you know has the fear of being smothered. This usually results from a parent or parents being over involved in your life as you were growing up, heaven forbid!
This may look like:
- fear of being taken over by someone else
- you can't say no and be loved at the same time
- you have to maintain your personal freedom at all costs
- you feel you have no personal identity
- you have touble getting in touch with your feelings
- being dependent is uncomfortable for you
So many pitfalls in being able to have intimacy in your relationships! But all is not lost because as long as you can identify them you're on the road to having that sometimes elusive intimacy that deep-down most of us crave. Keep that brave smile going
Next: The Fear of Rejection
Ahhhh, relationships – The Four Fears of Intimacy- The First Fear: Abandonment
Hey, all you lads and lassies. As far as relationships go, want to be in one, want to get out of one or want to make yours better? There are ways to achieve all this and more!
The more is learning more about yourself in the process and that's a life-long mission that only brings more happiness in life. It's a win-win situation. You win in relationships and you win with you personally. Life doesn't get much better than that
So what are your fears?
- You might fear the ocean or spiders or canned vegetables or any number of outward manifestations.
- But, below those are many fears we're not aware of that govern all our relationships.
If you know the four fears you can look at yourself and anyone else you know well and see which one(s) they are operating off of. It's like being a therapist without the credentials
Let's look at the first fear and see if we just think we or anyone else we know just might have that one....
First there's the fear of abandonment which so many of us have. The symptoms include:
- not being able to trust (oh, there's one for the books. Who in the heck ever feels that way? lol ),
- not feeling safe in relationships, believing you can't get your needs met
- craving and then pushing away affection.
All this time you're not realizing it's you who have this fear because it manifests so subtly that you can't figure out why your needs aren't getting met.
It's like being told as a child you are going to your most favorite amusment park and getting all excited about the trip only to be told that it just wasn't going to work out with no future date planned.
In the future you're not going to get as excited if it's promised again because you don't want to feel the hurt of last time so you learn not to trust. When this happens time after time you get left with this fear which lasts into adulthood.
That's what people do in relationships also so be aware, be very aware of how this plays out for you or even anyone you are in a relationship with or even conptemplating being in one with.
Save yourself from any misteps along the way so you can be happy and get your needs filled successfully! Sure, it's a lot of work, but well worth the effort:)
Next: The Fear of Being Smothered